


Meta on Steve McGarrett - How To Tame The Inner Dragon - a Character Study

by CowandCalf



Series: Steve McGarrett - Character Study [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Character Study, Embedded Images, Emotional Hurt, Fanish Work, Inner Demons, Meta, Metafiction, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Other, SEAL Steve McGarrett, Steve McGarrett - Freeform, Steve's a riddle I try to understand, Steve's character is complex, This is not a story, dealing with giving up, dealing with grief, dealing with hurt, it's my explanation to understand Steve's character better, this meta happened after I watched 9.11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 18:23:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21281219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CowandCalf/pseuds/CowandCalf
Summary: This meta reaches into the depth of Steve's emotional world. After I've watched 9.11, I couldn't stop the constant stream of thoughts that flooded my brain. With this character study, I try an attempt to explain to myself how Steve deals with the big challenge of facing his emotions. There are three major topics I want to immerse into. It's the topic of giving up, dealing with grief and how to fight the inner demons. Steve can't hide forever from his emotions. He has his own silent way when he searches for a passage through Life's rough sea.
Series: Steve McGarrett - Character Study [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1534094
Comments: 14
Kudos: 12





	Meta on Steve McGarrett - How To Tame The Inner Dragon - a Character Study

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N**  
This is another meta about Steve and I apologize to those who have expected a story. So far, I've written quite a few metas on Steve and also some on Danny. I posted them all on [Tumblr](https://cowandcalf.tumblr.com/post/181835782468/steve-mcgarrett-meta-giving-up-dealing-with) but Tumblr isn't the best place to store longer articles and stories. And this special post with this meta got flagged and was hidden for almost the whole time just because I added pictures where Steve's bare abs are visible. So stupid. I want to move my longer metas over to AO3 to keep them safe. I've written this meta after I've watched 9.11. This was such an intense episode and next to my various meta on this episode, I also wrote _Puliki_, a fix-it for this episode.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own the show or the characters. No money is made from my stories and no copyright infringement is intended. The embedded images are screenshots from the various episodes and put together into photo collages made by me.
> 
> My meta is not beta read. All mistakes are my own.

** _How to Tame the Inner Dragon_ **

_Don't slay the inner dragon. This would only cause an uncontrollable flood of emotions, wreaking havoc in heart and soul. Nothing else would be left but drowning. Learn how to ride this creature instead. Survive by being the Alpha. Know how to channel the immense power of the beast. Sustain the fierce force, so no one bursts into flames not even yourself. Protect the heart to stay sane, to be able to go on with life – to live…from one day to the next. There's no yesterday, there's no tomorrow. You have only today. Make it count. Your inner dragon will always be dangerous and untamed, unwelcomed at most times, unwanted but it's there, watching you, breathing down your neck. Learn to ride it in a way it won't cripple you, it won't make you stumble. Don't kill it either. It's a balance you have to maintain throughout your whole life. Your emotions are like fire, destructive, forceful and dangerous to a point where you could lose your control. So, choose carefully how to deal with it._

**My way to understand the complex personality of one Steve Jack McGarrett.**

I can't stop musing over Steve in 9.11 and what got revealed form his personality in that episode. Many scenes from 9.11 still stuck like splinters of glass in my heart. This meta is my way to find answers.

**Steve the quarterback – H50 1.03 'Malama ka Aina'**

_Strength and iron will to be the best._

I have to start in Steve's past if I want to get the bigger picture. Steve's personality is an uncut diamond in his youth. His traits are there, imprinted in his DNA. They're like seeds, waiting in fertile soil for the rain to awoke them, so they sprout, growing from a tiny seed into a huge plant, an impressive tree with strong, solid roots.

Steve's father was a cop and he passed this spark of being a cop on to his son. We hear John McGarrett talking on the recorder that was found in the red 'Champ' box, mentioning that Steve wanted to become a cop. John was dreading that day when his son would apply for a place at the academy. He wanted Steve to become everything_ but_ a cop.

Steve's seeds that are going form his personality remain dormant until he started to practice football. That was the first heavy rain which nurtured everything to life.

Everyone who ever saw a football game knows what it takes to be out on the field. The practice is hard and demanding. Football players have to endure intense workout sessions and drills that push them to their limits. The training asks a lot from each player and it takes a lot of stamina to be a guy on the gridiron. A quarterback is the star player on the team. The Alpha, the one who calls the signs and has the power to lead the team to victory. There's always also a huge psychological pressure on the quarterback during each game.

And Steve was a quarterback. One of the best Kukui High has ever had. And he's still famous and well-known.

Boys start at a young age to practice football. If they want to be successful and if they dream to play in the leading leagues they better toughen up and learn to sustain pain and injuries because that's their path if they want to dream big.

Steve had to earn his position. too. The way to become a great, successful football player is bloody, agonizing at times, full of bruises and busted ribs. As a football player, Steve had to learn to deal with big disappointments when the team lost or when the coach wasn't satisfied with their performance. The players fought as a team. They lost as a team, and each and every one of them suffered alone, physically and mentally. But Steve as the quarterback had to make sure they_ were_ a team. And on top of all the crushing emotions and this huge pressure to fulfill and to deliver what everyone was expecting them to deliver, Steve had to be there for his team while his emotions were always of secondary importance. It was expected of him because he was the quarterback. He was the star player.

Steve's outstanding leadership had shown already at a young age. He was only sixteen when he played quarterback.

Not everyone is meant to play football. The physical build has to sustain the enormous strain the training puts on it. _Steve is gifted by nature with_ _an outstanding body type and a fantastic mental strength_. He's learned at a young age to grit his teeth and to keep running; to be the best on the field no matter if he ran with a dislocated shoulder or an aching knee. Steve ran with pain and injuries to score points to lead his team to victory.

Steve was an outstanding player. He shot all of Chin's former records as a quarterback to hell. And just for the record, Steve has been one of Kukui High School's best quarterbacks ever. 

Then the terrible disaster of Steve's mom being killed hit Steve's family like a destructive Hurricane and the disaster took its course. His father shipped him off like a parcel to the mainland. He was sent off to the Army and Navy Academy in Carlsbad, California for his junior and senior years.

Steve's life was as normal as possible, only to be turned upside down from one second to the next one. _Happiness got torched from of his life._ The tragedy of his mother's death destroyed all carefree feelings like a blaze to never to return.

There's only a single incident where it's obvious that Steve also crashed mentally. We've seen it in 9.10 when Steve has his flashback to his sixteen-year-old self. Teen Steve showed his grief by going rogue, running away from the Academy to steal a car. No one was there to help him to deal with his grief. No father figure, not his dad, not his aunt. His mother died and his father ripped his family apart.

That's brutal, that's as harsh as living through cold winters without clothes. No one comes up after such a shock and such a trauma without visible scars, meaning being mentally and emotionally deranged to be able to face life.

What made Steve deal with his grief at a young age of sweet sixteen was a _faceless, unknown person._ Someone made a call and Steve was released from where he was locked up and he got a second chance. As Steve mentioned in 9.10, with a dying Joe in his arms, this was the reason for him to go on. _There was_ _someone out there who believed in him_, even though Steve had no idea who that person was.

Can you even figure how terribly lonely and lost Steve must have felt? And how desperate he was to hold on to such a faceless person, to even gain strength from that source as weak as it might have been? But it was enough for Steve to pull himself up and out from that deep, dark, horrible chasm he had felt into.

But sixteen-year-old Steve pulled himself together, dealing with how his father abandoned him, torn apart from his sister and sent away from the only home he knew.

This situation also shows Steve's remarkable way of dealing with a terrible loss and impossible situations. He adapted, it was hard and painful, but he did it.

_What kept him going was a person_. Someone cared for him. That was reason enough for him to not give up. That's some impressive mental stability for a teenager. And once again, Steve's outstanding willpower clearly shows at that young age and reveals a strong side of his character.

Steve forced his focus laser-like on his career. He became a soldier – a SEAL. Steve became the best in everything. Steve's Navy career and his BUD/s training had shaped the person we know. He survived Hell Week. He experienced how indestructible teams got built. He found friends whom he trusted with his life. He found a new family. He found his brothers.

Steve found a reason to go on. His brothers were an important reason to go on, although there are not many scenes on the show showing Steve and his team guys.

Steve is trained to never give up, to always find a solution no matter how hopeless the situation seemed to be. And Steve is trained to save lives. If there's one thing SEALs don't know how to do, then it's giving up.

The will of a SEAL is of unbreakable strength. Steve has this will and he has this strength. It's a gift and a curse because besides deployments and being in war zones and fighting to save people there's something happening in between when a SEAL doesn't perform as a SEAL – it's called daily normal life without the Navy, the Military.

**SEAL Steve – H50 2.10 “Ki'ilua **

_Giving up – a first._

_ _

Steve follows Jenna on an unauthorized mission to Korea to free her fiancée. He discovers that Jenna has betrayed him – she has sold him out to Wo Fat in exchange for her fiancée. No matter what motive made Jenna do this, betrayal is something Steve never gets over it. This is the worst of everything that someone can do to him. Steve suffers with body and soul and he doubts always his own abilities to read people. Experiencing a betrayal of trust is an emotional pain for Steve so as terrible as if someone cuts his heart out. His mind can't grasp the reason why someone, especially as close as Jenna (who worked also for Five-0), would do such a thing.

Steve's loyalty is absolute. He'd give his life for an unknown person if that person would be his mission just because he's sworn an oath to serve his country. _This code of honor is sacred to him_. Nothing could make him bend his will against that code.

As a SEAL Steve is trained to save lives (this is important!). That's the main task Steve always achieves because this assignment is entrusted to him. He does everything highly motivated and with honest and raw dedication.

Steve endures Wo Fat's torture, and nothing could make him cave and give in. He spits blood and hangs limp and bruised, bloody and boneless in his chains, tied to the ceiling, feet hardly touching the ground. And Steve smiles, he grins even and shows how much more he's willing to take. He would fucking die, chained to the ceiling without revealing the information Wo Fat wants to beat out of him. Steve is tough enough to endure agonizing pain. A result of his ruthless training.

_And then Wo Fat shoots Jenna in cold blood right before Steve's eyes._ And that's the second matter Steve can't deal with – when he loses a life that he couldn't save. He has been so sure that somehow, he and Jenna, would have found a way to escape. This tragical loss does something to Steve. _In his opinion, he failed._ He has lost an innocent person who has been his responsibility. Steve's devastated about Jenna's death. The pain about the fact that he couldn't protect and save her is written all over his face.

This leads at the end to the fact that Steve gives up. He accepts his fate.

It's the first time on the show that he hits rock bottom, physically and mentally. First, Steve escapes again though and he sneaks out of the bunker but Wo Fat's men overpower him one more time. They knock him unconscious and throw him onto a lorry bed. In various other situations, Steve would have fought to the very end. He would have tried to escape with the last ounce of strength he had in him even if a gun would have already been pointed to his head. He would have defended himself, would have struggled and would have kicked and used every dirty trick to get free.

But not this time.

The convoy stops, and Steve doesn't move, doesn't even try to escape. I even dare to say that he feels ashamed. What has he made to give up? Why does he cave?

Steve's on a secret, unapproved mission in a dangerous and unstable country. Steve doesn't expect a rescue team. The situation is well-known to him as if he had assigned to a classified black op where no one would come for him. And Steve agreed to those circumstances. Steve knew from the get-go to what he said 'yes' to. He has also known what is at stake with this op and him leading Jenna into enemy territory. If everything goes south, Steve's on his own. He accepts that.

So, let's go back to where Steve's lying there on the lorry bed with no intention to free himself or to jump from the truck. There's no reason anymore for Steve to fight. He couldn't fulfill his code of honor – he couldn't save Jenna. And there's more. Jenna betrayed him and his trained mind didn't suspect anything at all.

It almost seems as if the spirit of the fearless, strong man Steve has become just left him. I dare to say Steve is ready to die. He doesn't care a bit about how painful this will be. Maybe he plans to fight back later, maybe he just tries to gather strength – but I can't shake the feeling that he welcomes his fate to die in Korea alone because if he can't save a life of an innocent, he's not worth to be a SEAL. His grief shows also in the way he deals with it. He's ready to face the inevitable consequences.

And suddenly, out of the blue, Danny peeks inside the truck by lifting the tarp. And again, Steve finds himself surrounded by people who believe in him and who came just for him. Everyone fights for him, to rescue him. Again, this yanks Steve away from this edge he might stumble over. He was one step away to tumble into the black abyss that is part of Steve's soul.

Danny is a reason to go on. His people and his _ohana_ are a reason to go on. Everyone is an important reason to not give up.

**Steve after the liver transplantation – H50 7.01 "Makaukau ’oe e Pa'ani?”**

_The feeling of losing everything. Why go on?_

_ _

Steve's in a wheelchair.

He visits a chapel in the Tripler Army Medical Center, Honolulu. This moment gives me already the chills because everything is off. Nothing in this scene is normal or well-known and Steve looks exhausted and sad. The fact that he even considers visiting this chapel alone shows that he's grieving. He's overwhelmed to a point where he can't handle it anymore. Steve seeks spiritual support and this shows the amount of pressure he has to sustain. It's cruel and inhumanly massive.

Steve's been shot, and a short flashback shows how terrible the guilt weights on Steve's shoulders to have Danny dragged into such a dangerous situation. Again, I think Steve blames himself for how their short undercover ended. And there's the other factor that keeps Steve awake at night. Danny sacrificed a part of his body to save Steve.

How could he ever pay this debt back? Steve doesn't know how to handle such a move in civilian life. Normally he's the one who gives and makes everything better. This time it was Danny's turn to show Steve how loyal Danny's stands by his side and how much he loves him. Danny risked his life for Steve although he has Grace. Steve feels that he hasn't earned anything from all those gifts. Steve can't handle the love and the care that hides behind Danny's move.

Steve deals with grief but not in the common sense of hiding under the covers, feeling depressed and with the need to talk about what's bothering him. He has his own, special way to handle this painful, hard, stinging ball of hidden emotions.

But this time his feelings escaped and dulling everything else. Steve can't avoid these emotions anymore and he can't hide from them. He has to face them and he hates it, to feel so weak, to have no plan and to be controlled by feelings he can't tie up_._

Steve's alone in the little church. Another important factor. If he deals with grief and emotions Steve wants to be alone. It's an enormous challenge to admit that he doesn't feel okay.

There's a man sitting in one of the benches (I still don't really know if this was a digitally animated person or if this man was real. Or if this man was just an imagination of Steve. Every time I watch this episode I ask myself the same questions and I still don't know).

Steve talks for the first time about his feelings, revealing some of his pain. I guess that scene is one of the rare moments where Steve admits that he doesn't know how to go on. There's grief in his gestures and in his voice. (By the way, his voice sounds exactly like in episode 9.11 – gravelly, dark, hoarse and roughened as if he has swallowed sandpaper.)

Steve needs guidance and answers. Steve trusts this stranger with his innermost sorrows because they have one thing in common. Both know what it means to be a cop. Again, there's a person who cares in a way for Steve. This man asks him questions that help Steve to understand what's going on. And he gifts him with words that make Steve find his purpose in life again.

(Conversation is incomplete.)

** _Steve:_ ** _ "What if I already met the right woman, and uh, and I couldn't hang on to her?"_

** _Man:_ ** _ "Then she wasn't the right woman."_

** _Steve:_ ** _ "Yeah, see I'm not so sure about that… sometimes it feels like this job of mine has taken everything good from me. I've been wearing the badge for six years and I'm really starting to wonder whether… whether any of it's worth it."_

** _Man:_ ** _ "Son, what we do can't be quantified. Your worth is measured in the closure you bring, the people you save. That's your legacy and the best legacy a man can leave behind is the people whose lives he's changed. Trust me."_

And again, Steve listens. He always needs someone to give him a clear picture, a path he can follow, something that makes sense and that makes the whole experienced emotional pain worth it. This cop tells him to put his personal wishes aside. Steve shouldn't question himself but instead keep wearing the badge and _go on to save other people's lives and to change it, make it better._

Steve serves a greater good – he always has. As a SEAL he served his country and as a cop, he serves the people and of course also the government. Steve tics like that, he needs this and loves to serve for the bigger cause, for the greater good. Like a monk with his believes, like a samurai with his unwavering trust in budo and the way of a warrior, Steve's trust and purpose of living is in serving his country and to follow orders.

Steve's a devoted soul and he needs guidance. _He seeks words and a purpose he can follow._ And this man in the church just gave him meaning, a new orientation for his mind to go on with his life_. _And maybe in the back of his mind, this one sentence keeps ringing slightly:_ "Then she wasn't the right woman."_

Steve's grief is under control again – for now at least. An unknown person knew what to tell Steve to get him back on track.

This scene is so painful to watch because Steve doubts himself. He scrutinizes his motivation and for a short moment, the tack his life has taken doesn't seem right at all. As if he regrets to have ever agreed on being the head of Hawaiian's task force.

Steve has nothing left to fight for and this feeling is like an open wound Steve knows how to cover and how to hide until everything gets too painful to carry alone.

And this scene is so hurtful to watch because it breathes loneliness and failure. Steve's doubts are deep and he mourns all his losses because he fights hard to save everyone else and he pays a price for being a hero.

He's there for all the people who got stuck in terrible situations and Steve comes to the rescue with his team and saves all of them. The only person who doesn't gain strength and purpose from those moments is Steve. This scene shows what it costs Steve to be the one who brings hope. He comes away empty-handed. He ends up dealing with hurt and doubts and a void inside his heart. People leave him. They die or they walk out of his life.

Steve has nothing to hold on to after his liver transplant. Even his body has failed him and now he's injured for a lifetime. And he knows this. That's why this is so painful to realize. This job as the head of Five-0 costs him everything.

Steve lost Freddie and his father when he was a SEAL and their death was tied to an operation he was involved in. Even as a SEAL, who is used to the atrocities of war and the hardship to deal with death, no one can't just suck it up not wondering if bad luck is following them.

This scene is so painful to watch because it shows Steve as a war veteran, as a person who lost too much in life. Steve deals with all the issues people like him who have served have to deal with. Life gets harder and the reasons to go on are not that easy to find.

**Steve is a cold-blooded killer, fulfilling his duty by serving his homeland – H50 9.11 "Ha la ike ala o'i'olemai”**

_We only followed orders._

_ _

This part of his personality is important to me, meaning I can't shut my eyes to the fact that Steve is a killer, doing a job for the government, but it stays a fact that Steve kills. I respect him to the moon and back and I get it. I get his devotion to serving, this inner urge to give everything he has got to be a good soldier, a warrior, brave and powerful and indestructible. And because I respect him and his brothers and all that he represents it includes his dark sides, too. I want to understand Steve, and this is just a part of his character. It's what he is and what he does.

In 1.08 his SEAL buddy, whom he trained and who served under him, Nick 'Bullfrog' Taylor, gave a great statement. Nick said, when Steve asked why he became a paid killer, Nick answered that it was about time he got paid for the killing.

Steve isn't forced to do anything. _It's his free will._ Being a SEAL contains A LOT of dirty, unfair, unholy, godless actions like torture, killing, bringing death and devastation, deal with collateral damage. _Steve said yes to all of this._

This scene of Steve with Joe and his team in Morocco shows Steve as a cold-blooded killer. They're assigned to a black op. Nothing goes as planned. Instead of meeting their HVT (High Valued Target) alone there's a birthday party happening right in front of their eyes: cheerful laughter, women, and children celebrating. Greer says it's a go – she's their leader, so it's a go. The op needs to be executed. Period. Sir, Yes Sir!

**Steve's team encounter Hassan, the 10-year old son of their target on the stairs up to the apartment. None of them have expected this strange turn of the events. This 10-year old boy holds a freaking gun in his hands to protect his father. Steve watches this little guy carefully, watches how Joe takes the gun from his hands and talks with a soothing voice to this little boy using his mother tongue. And Steve knows all the damn time that he will be the one who's going to shoot this boy's father! Steve knows that he'll bring this kid years of emotional pain but he does it anyway. Execute the plan.  
**

_So, just to get a clear, accurate picture: imagine Charlie Williams, 10-years old, standing there with a gun and a terrorist sees him, takes away his gun and sneaks up the stairs to shoot Danny Williams. Just to make it really clear in what kind of a state of mind Steve's in when he's following orders in that black op. He can't have moral codes. He is a soldier, a SEAL, he can't feel, he just needs to follow orders (that's what he said Greer before she got booked. They were just following orders.)_

This is intense and I get it.

And the cherry on top of everything is the way Steve meets Hassan when they take him down in his apartment as a grown man. Steve shoves the information that Hassan killed all his men _but missed the man who took to shot to kill his_ father right up in Hassan's face. Steve says it victoriously and he's again in full SEAL mode, fully immersed in the mission. Steve has caused this man intense sorrows and he has given Hassan exactly one purpose in life: To hunt the men who killed his father.

At least, Steve understands that he doesn't want to pass this burden onto Hassan's son and flicks the safety of his gun back in place. He needs information from Hassan about Greer and I guess, we don't know if he has killed Hassan in the end. I guess he did because Hassan would always be a loose end, a risk, and a looming danger. So, this means Steve half-orphaned another kid.

The line that separates the good from the bad guys is very thin and most of the time it's not there. The good guys and the bad guys act just the same way. And anyway, there are no such words as good and bad on the level where Steve operates.

Steve's allowed to kill because he works for the government. As a soldier everyone expects him to save the country by killing a threat if needed.

All other men who get paid for their killing are known as _a gun to hire_. Those are the bad guys because they kill for money and they normally have no moral codes.

_But at the end of the day, all of them just kill people!_

Steve deals with his grief over Joe's death in his very own way. He wants to find Joe's killer. This mission is his way to deal with his emotional pain – although he denies that. ("That's not what this is.")

_But that's exactly what this is_.

Steve turns his painful grief into rage and vengefulness. He won't rest until the murder of Joe is dead. That's his mission and what we see in the episode is also a part of Steve's character.

Steve tortures a man. He cleans a tool, pliers, with a rug and he doesn't care that Danny's watching. Steve's hands are bloody. He cut his victim's fingers off – anything that brings Steve answers serves him right.

This violent side of Steve is just part of his character and it's not new. No. It has been there all along. During his education at the Naval Academy and during his BUD/s training and everything else, he got trained in those skills.

Danny knows that too, but to witness this side of Steve and to look into his wild, cold eyes – that's something entirely different. But again, that’s Steve's way to mourn.

Steve's no sadist. He has no fun to torture a man but if it serves his goal and he'll gain some answers then that's what he's going to do.

No one enables Steve to do that. That's all he. Steve is wild and merciless if needed, steely, emotionless and able to cut ALL EMOTIONS off. It's actually a bit freaky to see this side full-on, blown into this clearness for everyone to see.

Catherine isn't there to push him into going further or moving in harder. No, I sense as if Catherine is right there to keep Steve sane. She's his guard, watching over him so he won't snap, being trapped in a dangerous state of mind. Steve knows this, and Catherine knows this, too. And if Danny or someone else would want to stop Steve from getting an answer from Hassan's lawyer he would just push this person out of his way, moving on with his bloody work.

**(Closing the circle… coming to an end)**

** **

Steve's grief eases a bit with Hassan out of the way. But what still eats at him is why Greer gave up his whole team. He still doesn't understand why Greer turned on his team, turned on his country and on the oath she has sworn. That's some heavyweight on Steve's shoulders. _He traveled all the way to China to find Greer because he needs this answer._ And maybe, maybe Steve blames himself for jumping into bed with Greer, although in his flashback he was happy and carefree.

**Steve's speech and questions:** "Let me understand. You turn against your country, you give up the names of men and women that you've served with, knowing full well that they would die. What an amount of money could possibly make that worth it?"

But Greer left with the riddle on her lips that "…_maybe it wasn't just about the money, Steve. Maybe there were other_ _factors_…"

Steve will never really find closure with this question and Greer will end up as one of his sore spots for the rest of his life. And I guess it's not even in his orbit to think that it could have been jealousy that made Greer do all the nasty things she did. We'll never know.

Greer committed treason and this kind of betrayal is emotional torture for Steve. He can't understand why. This part of his soul is pure as an angel. His loyalty is sacred, and he never ever would turn on his homeland or give up his buddies. He has to live with this burden of not knowing why Greer turned into a traitor for the rest of his days.

Let's focus back on Steve and his issues.

He couldn't save Joe. It was his responsibility as Joe's buddy and his backup to make sure he wouldn't get hit. But Steve failed in his world – again. He lost a beloved friend and his mentor. Steve lost guidance with Joe gone.

The fact that Joe made Steve promise to take Cath out on a date, tells me again what kind of a man Steve is. In my opinion, a part of Steve will always be stuck in this sixteen-year-old boy who desperately yearns for someone to guide him. He needs a father figure, a person he could look up to, someone he wants to make proud. He took Cath out on a date and he fell in love eventually – but the main reason for the date was to keep the promise he gave Joe.

But Steve couldn't keep that promise either! He couldn't hold on to Catherine. Joe said she's a keeper and that's why Steve must feel like he has failed Joe because he couldn't keep Catherine not matter how hard he tried.

Joe is dead and Steve must feel like a little boat, dancing on huge waves, trying to fight the big storm. Steve doesn't know how to live the life of a civilian. Still. Although he's over eight years away from active duty. But 9.11 showed clearly that he doesn't know how to walk on his own – emotionally.

Steve mourns Joe's death. It shows in his gesture, in his way to speak and in the way, he expresses his guilt. Steve's grief is huge.

Again, all his friends had come for him. Everyone has supported him with love and devotion. Steve's not alone and his friends, even Catherine, are always there for him.

And that's why Steve gets pulled back into life. His people believe in him and that's enough reason for Steve to go on.

Nothing can compare to his brothers, to this unique brotherhood, forged in battle among great men. Nothing will ever come close to this feeling to fight side by side with his brothers. But _ohana _means just the same in another universe, far away from the Navy and the military world. And the spirit of Steve's _ohana_ has the force to pull him back into life, to pull Steve back on his feet after he has lost his substitute father, Joe White.

But there's another legacy waiting for Steve and that's Five-0. The name will always remember him of his father. His old man nicknamed his family all Five-0s to make them feel they belonged someplace because they weren't native Hawaiians. His father's spirit guides him wherever he goes. John McGarrett was a cop and Steve's a cop now. And Steve will always honor what has been passed on from the tough and brave men in his family, especially from his father.

Steve will never be free from the wish to make his father proud.

In the end, Steve needs time to order his inner mess. He won't even admit to anyone that there's a mess of jumbled-up emotions in his chest. And he will deal with his grief in the way he's always dealt with this pain, by focusing on his people who came to fight by his side.

He will focus on Danny and his kids. That's Steve's way to fight his way back into life. That's going to be his reason to go on. No matter how broken Steve feels at the moment – Danny will pull him back to a place and show Steve in this unique Danny-way what to do, how to move on. Together with his Five-0 team, his _ohana,_ Steve will find a way to make life worth living.

Steve's a fighter and a true warrior after all. And he's a SEAL. There are a credo and a fierce attitude all SEALs have in common: _they don't know how to quit._

This meta is of course incomplete. I could have added so many more details. But I stop with this last remark.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
